STRESS RELIEF

[shawtylici0us]

You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a Recent wedding that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the local Newspaper and even Jay
Leno mentioned it. It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...

At he reception after the wedding, the groom got up on Stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his Bride having sex with
the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just
watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding
out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing
were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and
best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy
has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this:

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family membe! rs andfriends.........$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride and
the best man having sex..........Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD

[shawtylici0us]

1.) When you are sad: I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b@st@rd who made you sad.
2.) When you are blue: I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3.) When you smile: I will know you finally got laid.
4.) When you are scared: I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5.) When you are worried: I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and quit whining.
6.) When you are confused: I will use little words.
7.) When you are sick: Stay tha hell away from me until you get better, I don't want whatever u got.
8.) When you fall: I will point and laugh at your clumsy a$$.
REMEMBER: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

[shawtylici0us]

How do these people survive?

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets,but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car."Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copie r machine paper,"the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to
make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver
had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should
be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

TEN ((MY own experiance))
Guy called in and can't get his dsl to work. Trying to manually walk him through connecting. I asked him to restart his computer and let me know when he is looking at his desktop. I keep asking and keep asking if he is looking at his desktop. He keeps replying 'yes'. So I keep telling him to find internet explorer. I keep hearing papers moving on the phone. This goes on for about 10 mintues... Finally I asked him if he turned his computer back on and he said "No you told me to look at my desktop and find internet explorer and I can't find the damn thing in these papers anywhere!"....

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid!*

[starbuck]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune......... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


And you thought all they did was say Hello

[imported_Undertaker]

haha!....I've done that before =)

[starbuck]

Dear Family:

I just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local
mall. I came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are
living in poverty. Most young men I observed didn't even own a belt;
there was not one among the whole group. But that wasn't the sad part.
Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy
they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must
have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went
below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for
most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

It grieved me, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are
people who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about
asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall."
Then on Christmas Eve, I could go Christmas caroling and distribute
jeans to these poor teenagers.

But here is the saddest part..... it was the girls they were hanging
out with that disturbed me most. I never, in all of my life, seen such
poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the
guys. They all had to wear their little sisters clothes. Their jeans
were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could put them on,
let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones.
Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their
midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride,
but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's
clothes. However, it was their underwear that bothered me most. They,
like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, had
their underwear exposed. I never saw anything like it. It looked like
their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.

I know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our
American teenagers. While I go to bed every night with a closet full of
clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have
enough material to keep it together. I think their "poorness" is why
these 2 groups gather at the mall, boys with their short daddies'
ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is
one place where they can find acceptance.

So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping, and you pass by
some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them?

And one more thing ... Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down,
and girls' strings won't break?

[starbuck]

FLAT TARR (PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS.)


There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

[The_Sage]

On their 30th anniversary, Mr. Dugan took his wife to dinner. Their daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After dinner and a moonlit drive, they returned home and saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles. There was a note that read: "There's wine and dessert in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"Well," Mrs. Dugan responded, "I suppose we could vacuum...."

[Biggin]

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse [censored]. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/LDPforum/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[starbuck]

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're
dead.